I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I could make wine with my vomit
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
