I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
