I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
