I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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