dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
