alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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