my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
