and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
