i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
