so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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