I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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