I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
