you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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