his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
