just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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