So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
