You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
