I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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