She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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