I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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