i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
