So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
