i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
