You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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