Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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