Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
