Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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