and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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