I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
