yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
