you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
