He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
