Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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