if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
