i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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