i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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