I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
