someone threw a dead crab at me
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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