I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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