Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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