Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
