so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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