Will you blow on my dice?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
