You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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