Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
