I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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