I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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