so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
