Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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