I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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