So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We smell like vodka and hangover
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