My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
