Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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