2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
