swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
