My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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